I've been trying to be more in the moment lately. It's just hard to pick the right moment. We really go up and down. And the kids pick up on my mood. I think as a whole, Moms put too much pressure on themselves and therefore we never feel like we do enough. If I feel content and relaxed my kids will be having fun, if not, then we are all grumpy. Some days, my goal is to teach them as much as I can, about the world, compassion, how to hold a pencil. Other days, if they are still alive, I figure I've done my job.
Sometimes an experience will put it all into perspective, I saw a dad at the beach the other week with his son. The son was disabled and you got the impression this was a very stressful task for the dad. The boy kept throwing rocks, he couldn't leave him even for a second a the waters edge. It will be like that forever for that boy and that dad. If I don't have stress in my life, I create it. Why am I wasting my time doing that when here is a family with real stress. Enjoyment, too, I'm sure, but also constant struggle.
Raising kids is like the first time you share a bed with someone. You wake up when your partner moves, you have to find a new comfortable position that accommodate their bodies. Sometime, it's too hot. Then, after you get used to it and you have a night away, you sleep alone and the bed feels huge and cold. Constantly putting others before you and meeting the needs of your offspring can take some getting used to, then you blink and they are grown up. My kids are going to grow up and they won't want to hold my hand in public. They won't kiss me as I put them in the car. They'll be the one driving the car.
The other night, Butters told me he loved me while he was asleep or at least in the middle of sleep. My bed felt big enough then, but I can't help wishing for my days of sleeping alone and taking up all the space I want, until it's cold out and I need another body near me. Still, it's tough to wake up every morning with bed head, but you get used to it.